► Memories Under the Clock  ► Podcasting 101 ► Nick & Friends

I started my online dating experience after 20 years of marriage. Saddened at the loss of a wonderful, long relationship that ended in divorce, I was reluctant to try again. My son, age 24, said: “Come on, Mom, you will have a blast!”
There is a huge difference between dating at 24, when you look great and the world awaits you, and dating at …well… let’s just say, when you are older. On the other hand, there are a lot of people out there like you. The age of technology, for better or worse, gives you access to them.

As I tried out various sites, I began talking with other men and women about their experiences with online dating. I realized that although the process can seem intimidating, if you follow a few simple guidelines, you won’t be just another fish adrift in the cyber-sea.

Pick a Service
There are sites now for everyone: Christian, Jewish, African-American, gay, big and beautiful—you name it. My research points quite consistently to eHarmony. The much- discussed eHarmony screening process seems to result in a better quality of candidates.
The worst results came from sites which were free and/or performed no screening or matching whatsoever, such as “Craig’s List Personals” or “Plentyoffish,” a new free site with tons of users. (They claim 250,000 per day.)
My son’s girlfriend, Autumn—they met on eHarmony—said, “If you have to invest a lot of time in answering screening and matching questions and you invest that time, it shows you are serious.”
Autumn also noted: “Some sites keep old users who are no longer active in their files so it looks as though you have lots of people to choose from. However, when you attempt to contact them, there is no response because they are long gone onto another site or have been happily married for the last three years.”

Snap a Picture
Get a great photo of yourself as you are right now, not several years ago. This is extremely important. A picture taken 10 years ago when you were on vacation looks just like that and says you don’t care all that much.
Make it a digital picture that can be easily uploaded to your computer. Get a techie to help you if necessary. This is the only part of this process that may require some help.

The picture should be authentic. No fuzzy, airbrushed backgrounds or glamour shots. These are obvious and do not look real. It is okay to add, as your supplementary pictures, family members, pets and so on. I personally like to see pictures of men with their children and grandkids or favorite Bowzer. It makes you guys less scary.
(Speaking of scary, I have seen some men’s pictures with chest hair and gold chains—no please, don’t go there. It is not sexy. I have seen some women’s pictures in coy poses with beaucoup cleavage. These pictures make it look as if you believe you have nothing to offer but sex. Plenty of men online will be glad to take you up on that, but these will not be long-lasting relationships.)
You can go to Yahoo! Personals for free and see a sampling of men’s and women’s pictures in your area. This should help you see what is good and bad about photos online.
Three pictures are enough; more than that looks like a family album or gives the impression that you are narcissistic.

Think Before You Type
Ready to complete the online questionnaire? Before you fill in the blanks, take the time to think about yourself.
What do you want to do on a date? What kinds of activities do you actually enjoy? What are some of your skills and talents? This is the place for you to show who you are.
Many veteran Internet daters stressed the importance of truly being yourself. You will waste time, energy and money if you fake it and then find out you really hate being anyone other than yourself.
This is not to say you don’t want to show your finest, cleanest, most attractive physical and spiritual self—but you do want to show a real self. The last thing you want to do is spend six months with someone just to find that you are incompatible.

Choose a Time Frame
Just because the Internet is fast doesn’t mean matchmaking will be fast. According to David S., a software engineer in the video game industry, you should expect the process to take at least a year. “I had lots and lots of ‘hits’ but it took one and a half years of meeting and dating to find the right person,” he said.
Six months would give you a running start, but plan for longer. Pay your dough. Expect that this will take time.

Set Parameters
Do you really want to drive to Norfolk to meet Ms. Might Be Right? Are you really going to date long distance? Pick a reasonable distance; you can always expand it later.
Choose an age range. Come on, guys, you don’t really want someone young enough to be your daughter, do you? What will your real daughter say? Be open minded, yet realistic with yourself.

Make a Match
Now, sit back and see who you are matched with.
Women, do not be afraid to contact men first. Men say they like to be contacted and will respond if interested. Byron J., a middle-aged entrepreneur who has been using an online dating site for six months, said, “You go to all this trouble to go online and then a woman contacts you and that’s great. It is very flattering.”
If they do not respond, do not take it personally. They could already have a harem of online girlfriends and be having a hard time keeping up with them. I dated someone like this. My day to see him was Thursday. I thought he was keeping his child on the weekends, but I found that he had a date for each night of the week!
Do not push this part of the new relationship too fast. You may be eager, but it will look like desperation or lust to your newfound friend. (Even if it is lust, you do not want it to look like that.)

Beware of Stranger Danger
It was a great movie, but you do not want a reenactment of “Fatal Attraction.” Your first meeting should always be in a public place with your own vehicle parked nearby so you can escape quickly.
Always tell someone where you are going and who you are meeting. Plan to call when you get back home. This goes for men as well as women.
Retired university professor Bob B. said, “I made contact with this woman in Nag’s Head. She sounded a little on the mystical side but nice. I spent the afternoon with her but then things got weird. I made an excuse and escaped. I was very glad I had my own car there.”
Before you meet someone, have his or her full name and phone number. Use your logic and your gut. If you sense someone is not right, go with that instinct and back away. “I corresponded with this man for a month,” recalled Alyssa L., a masseuse in Richmond. “Everything seemed good. Then the day before we were to meet, he asked me if I liked having my neck kissed. That one question gave me chills. I cancelled the date.”

Check Out Your Date
Once you are involved with someone, you may want to check them out online. This is not paranoia, just good sense. You can “Google” anyone, and if you have a Social Security number you can do a full background check for around $50.
And while we are on the subject, before you sleep with someone, ask for a STD test. No, really, I mean it. My son’s first girlfriend in California demanded this of him and presented her own record of a clean test as evidence. Sexually transmitted diseases and infections are rampant and lethal, and many very nice people have contracted them.

Expect Rejection
One more caveat…because online dating allows for a constant stream of new partners, manners can become quite callous. People drop people for any reason, quickly and abruptly. So be prepared. While the Internet may reap a harvest of new people, it may also reap you a harvest of rejections. Do not take it personally. Keep on going and have fun!

Honestly…

One of the challenges to getting on the eHarmony site is the long, long list of questions to be answered. The questions present an ethical dilemma: how honest to be?
Always the good test taker, I know what the right answers are, but should I tell it like it is? I came up with dual answers.

What are you most passionate about?

The right answer: the environment, art, poetry and politics.

The real answer: chocolate, massages, and lunch at the Super King Buffet on Broad Street where you can eat all you want until you explode.

What are your best life skills?

The right answer here is something like: remaining calm in an emergency, achieving my personal goals, and using humor to make friends laugh.

The real answer: disappearing quickly when I create a disaster, pretending I am someone else, and persuading policemen not to give me speeding tickets.

How do you spend your leisure time?

Oh please, I know you want me to say I spend my time volunteering for charities, working out at the gym and serving at church functions.

But really, looking at where my time goes: gossiping in the sauna at the YMCA, commiserating on the phone with friends about their husbands (at least they have husbands), and worrying about where my next electric payment is coming from.

What are the three things you cannot live without?

It is true that I could not live without trips to the ocean, looking at the leaves turn gold in the fall and the rare Richmond snowfall.

But it is also true that life would not be worth much without pizza from Angela’s Restaurant, Dove Bars and cable TV.

What was the last book you read and what did you like about it?

A good answer here is “The Kite Runner”—it tells the story of how relationships are formed, cherished and lost. (Everyone has read this and it is neither too intellectually challenging nor too lowbrow.)

The real answer: “The First Wives Club,” a heartwarming tale of women wronged who got revenge big-time.

Is there any additional info you want your matches to know about you?

Right answer: “I am a warm, caring person wanting to share my life with someone wonderful.”

Real answer: I want to feel comfortable sharing my real self with you. I want you to know that I drink cheap wine, go out of my way to watch monster movies and enjoy reading gossip magazines while waiting in the checkout line, take it or leave it.

Freelance writer Diane York lives in Richmond. She is pictured on the homepage surrounded by some of her favorite things.

Archives: