Who Could Ask for More?
Some needs look different when you’re gay and
64.
When Guy Kinman moved into a retirement community, he
was upfront about being gay.
“They never asked, but I told them,” said Kinman, 90, who has lived at
Imperial Plaza in North Richmond for a little more than four years.
“It’s no big deal now and never was. I’m friendly. I don’t think
I
project an image that would be scary to anyone.”
When he came out to some of the other residents, it was during a
conversation, he recalled. Someone asked if he had been married. Kinman
explained he had been married to a wonderful woman for 10 years, but
they were divorced. Then he added that he is gay.
“There was absolute silence in the room. Then a woman murmured: ‘That
took courage.’ I treated them as adults. I was not apologetic,” said
Kinman.
“I didn’t come out to myself until I was almost 40.”
Gays ages 40 to 61 have more distinct concerns about aging with regard
to financial stability, personal support and end-of-life legal issues
than people in the general population, according to a study by MetLife
Mature Market Institute and the Lesbian and Gay Aging Issues Network of
the American Society on Aging.
While there have been recent news reports about gays and lesbians being
insulted, socially isolated or discriminated against in nursing homes,
assisted-living centers or retirement facilities in some states,
Equality Virginia hasn’t received similar reports. “I’m not aware of
anyone who has not been treated well [in Virginia],” said Dyana Mason,
executive director of the non-profit organization that lobbies for equal
rights for gay, lesbian, bisexual and transgender people.
Nevertheless, gays often don’t seek help because they fear how they
might be treated, she added. The MetLife study found that one in four
respondents had provided care for an adult friend or family member in
the last six months, compared with one in five in the general
population.
A Supportive Church
Metropolitan Community Church of Richmond on Park Avenue is a place
where many local gays and lesbians go to worship, to socialize and talk
about their problems. It’s also a place where many of their families and
straight friends go.
Between one third and 40 percent of the congregation is 50 or above,
many of whom have parents who are in declining health, said Dr. Robin
Gorsline, pastor. Some attendees in their 60s are HIV positive. Few MCC
members have gone into assisted living, nursing homes or retirement
facilities.
Gorsline recalled a single man, who “was pretty out, found himself
needing to go into a care facility. He had to come out all over again.
He was very frightened. Most of his visitors were gay men. He was afraid
to sit in the common room and visit with his friends because he didn’t
know what others would think or say. But for the most part, people just
shrugged….He didn’t feel necessarily supported but he wasn’t rejected
either, which is what a lot of people fear.”
No Warm Welcome
With the exception of several denominations, such as MCC and the
Unitarians, and a few individual congregations locally, the church “has
a horrible history” of welcoming sexual minorities, said Dr. Patrick
Prest, a retired Episcopal priest.
A practicing gay or lesbian travels a tough road, he said. “It’s often
difficult to accept who one is and how one’s own sexual identity is
truly lived out….I think more and more, they seek out each other for
mutual support or seek out a heterosexual like myself who is
sympathetic,” Prest added.
Some gays consider Virginia so unfriendly toward them that they move to
another state.
Cris Elkins and Gene Hannold are both 64 and retired federal government
employees. In 2005, they moved from Fredericksburg to Greensboro, N.C.,
because they see North Carolina as more progressive than Virginia, said
Elkins.
North Carolina has no marriage amendment that forbids same-sex couples
from marrying, he said. Twenty-seven states, including Virginia, have
marriage amendments that prohibit same-sex marriage. A
non-discrimination policy for city government employees has been in
place in Greensboro since 1996, he added.
Howard Wells, a self-employed interior designer in Virginia, called the
state’s marriage amendment mean-spirited. “When it comes to civil
liberties, we as a group are discriminated against every day. This is
improving, but strides have come slowly. Over the next 10 to 20 years, I
hope many states will come around to more friendly laws towards gays and
lesbians.”
Wells thinks the time will come when he and his partner of 14 years will
leave Virginia. “If I had a terminal illness, I have a lot of concern
about how we would be treated.”
Varied Response in
Hospitals
Some gays and lesbians related stories of one partner being hospitalized
in intensive care and the other partner not being allowed to visit
because he or she is not considered a family member.
But when Allen Ammons, 52, was hospitalized with cancer, he said his
doctors were wonderful. They talked with his partner of 30 years just
like they would have with any family member, said Ammons, who does
artificial nails in a Richmond beauty salon.
On the other side of the stethoscope, a 62-year-old Richmond lesbian who
is a registered nurse sees no connection between her ability to provide
good nursing care and her sexual orientation. “Some people at my job
know I’m gay and some don’t. I believe what you do as a person is more
important than what you are trying to look like. When I go to work, I go
as a R.N. That’s how my peers deal with me, even the ones that are aware
of my sexuality.”
The woman, who asked that her name not be published, said her family has
been very supportive of her. “My granddaughter has been the most
understanding and gracious to my girlfriends.”
Although she’s not run into problems on her job related to her
sexuality, she has in her everyday life. She is African-American and her
girlfriend is white and butch. “When we go out, we get the hate look and
sometimes the hate words….We laugh and try to decide if we are hated
because we are gay or because we are a black and white [couple] or both.
How do we handle it? We have fun with it,” the woman said.
“No Different, No Less”
Janet Inwood and Donna Copley, partners for about 20 years, live their
lives “in the open so that everyone can see that our relationship is no
different, no less, than their relationships with their spouses,” Inwood
said. “Hopefully, it will make them think about fairness the next time
they are at the polls and have a chance to vote on an issue which could
improve the rights of gay couples.”
Gay employees need to be visible and vocal, Inwood added. The two, who
work for Virginia Commonwealth University Health Services, don’t miss an
opportunity to bring up the need for same-sex partner health benefits.
At a recent nursing education seminar about end-of-life issues for the
gay or lesbian patient, “a straight co-worker of Donna’s questioned what
could possibly be different for us than for her,” Inwood related.
“Donna had the opportunity to share with her some of the legal and
family issues that can arise around end-of-life decisions, ICU and
regular hospital visitation and funeral arrangements. She said she had
never thought that those things could happen or be a problem.”
Coming Out Late
Like Guy Kinman, Stan and Al (not their real names) didn’t begin living
out their sexuality until later in life.
They are both 63 and have been partners for 24 years. Both are retired,
are divorced and have children and grandchildren. They live in an area
community for people aged 55 and above. The two men laugh when Al says
they are the community’s “token gays.”
Stan’s 88-year-old mother lives with them. “We get complements from our
neighbors about how good we take care of mom,” Al said. Stan retired
early to care for his father, who had a stroke and later died.
Stan and Al have put their wishes on end-of-life issues in writing,
something that Gorsline says he urges all gays and lesbians to do.
A Need to Be Nurtured
Before legal and medical concerns become reality, however, there are
real social and psychological needs to meet.
Bob Jones wanted to be sure he had older gay friends to get together
with after he retired. Six and a half years ago, he founded the Central
Virginia Chapter of Prime Timers with 18 people. Now the chapter has
more than 130 members who get together for social activities and for
education.
Jones, now 70, said Prime Timers has a bridge group and a classic video
group. They also go to pubs and attend the theater, opera and symphony.
“Many gays have no family because they have been disowned. So there’s a
need for a lot of nurturing,” Jones said.
Alberta Lindsey is a
retired newspaper reporter. Now a freelance writer in Richmond, she
enjoys reading mysteries, traveling and photography.
Uncertain Financial Future
by Diane Lang
The national organization SAGE (Services and Advocacy
for GLBT Elders) estimates that every year, 400,000 thousand gay men and
lesbians turn 50. What will life be like for them? Certainly, they hope
to be afforded the safety, protection and security offered to the rest
of the population.
Conard Kruger, 50, and his partner David Toth, 42, owners of the
Margaret Walker House, a bed-and-breakfast home in Petersburg, see
changes coming for the better.
“Even though the state doesn’t sanction our partnership, businesses now
have an option to recognize domestic partnerships,” says Kruger.
“Wachovia was one of the first, which helped us financially. We’re
trying to pay off our business so we can save for retirement.”
Kruger felt the pain of discrimination when he was fired from his job in
Kansas because his boss suspected he was gay. “I hope our next president
understands what’s fair for everybody—we all have inalienable rights,”
states Kruger. “Gays are the only group that you can discriminate
against and still hold your head up.”
Disputed Wills
Luckily for the two men, they have supportive families. But they have
friends whose families haven’t been so supportive. Because a same-sex
domestic partnership has not been sanctioned under civil law, family
members can easily dispute a gay person’s will. “I have a friend whose
partner died, and the family of the deceased is taking him to court,”
says Kruger.
“If the partnership had been sanctioned, the property would have
automatically transferred to my friend. [Now, any] benefits left to the
surviving partner can be called into question.”
The Health Care Question
Though Kruger and Toth share the responsibilities of running the B&B,
Toth works full time for a media company. Since Kruger turned 50, he has
been concerned about the health care situation. In Virginia, an employer
can choose whether to include a gay partner on the employee’s health
plan. Benefits are extended to domestic partners only if the employer
and its insurance carrier agree to provide coverage. Even though Toth
has excellent health insurance through his employer, Kruger is not
included on his plan. If he were in a state-recognized marriage, he
would automatically be on his partner’s plan.
A report by the Employee Benefit Research Institute in Washington, D.C.,
reports that for 85 per cent of companies, domestic partner health
coverage adds less than one percent to the total cost of the health-care
benefit.
Jerry Howard, an independent insurance agent in Virginia, thinks
inclusive health coverage makes sense. “When it comes to insurance, it’s
all about helping your clients secure their future, regardless of their
lifestyle.”
While families can be written on one policy, it’s different with gay and
lesbian couples. “Unless our government legalizes gay marriages,
domestic partners cannot be written on the same policy,” Howard says.
What’s the Policy?
What about getting insurance at all? “There’s not a question about
sexual preference on most insurance policies,” says Howard. “Everybody
should have the same opportunity for health insurance.”
Yet Thomas Kerr, another insurance broker, states that an applicant
probably won’t get life insurance if he admits he’s gay.
“There’s not a question about it on the application, but if the
applicant mentions key things, like hepatitis, poor health habits, risky
behavior, the underwriter most likely will assume the person’s gay, and
he or she will be declined,” says Kerr. “If you put you’re gay anywhere
on the application, you will be considered a risk.”
Sometimes through trial and error, gay couples learn what steps they
need to take. After the hospital visitation snafu in Atlanta, Robert
says, “now, I have power of attorney for these situations.”
The couple had to designate power of attorney for other life-changing
events, such as division of their estate, long-term nursing care, and
living wills.
“Getting power of attorney to be my partner’s caregiver and benefactor
was a big hassle,” says Robert. “Life insurance benefits and retirement
options weren’t as hard—you mark your beneficiary and that’s the end of
it. Unless your family protests— but we’re lucky—we both have
understanding families.”
Caregiving Considerations
Family support can be especially important if older gays need extra
care. “Historically, gays have relied on family or each other to take
care of them in case of illness or dementia,” says Toth. “There is
usually a transfer of business or home in exchange for care given.”
Some retirement communities—for example, in Florida, Arizona, North
Carolina and California—are geared specifically to the gay population.
“Many old Queens, as we call them, like to reminisce about their lives,
and feel more comfortable with those like them,” says Kruger.
But some gays would rather reside in a mainstream community. “As more
people come to accept us for who we are, they will see that there’s not
much difference between straight and gay people,” says Toth. “There’s
only a small segment of gays who want to promote themselves, just as
there are feminists, blacks and Hispanics who want to separate
themselves from the mainstream. But most people just want to get along
and go about their daily lives.”
Robert is one of those people. “I’ve never been one to wave a banner,”
he says. “We’re a melting pot, after all.”
Still, he says, gay boomers will change society. “The country needs to
be ready for us…. We were a huge part of the coming-out era of the ’70s.
You know, we were there for Woodstock and we’re loud. When we retire,
we’ll be a group to be reckoned with.”
Living with Worry
Toth often thinks about the future and his retirement. “I worry about
Conard. If he outlives me, there could be an issue to claim his half of
the house, even though it’s in both of our names. Even though my family
members are supportive, they still have more right to claim my half of
the house than Conard has.”
And, unlike heterosexual unions, Kruger and Toth will not be entitled to
each other’s Social Security checks in the event of death. “Nothing
transfers for us, like it does for civil unions,” says Toth. “Whatever I
leave Conard will go into probate and be heavily taxed. That’s why I’m
heavily insured. I want to make sure Conard is protected.”
Toth hopes popular opinion will move towards the acceptance of
legalizing gay unions. “If the right people are convinced and we remain
unified, our situation should improve over the next four to eight
years.”
Maybe the time is near when Virginians will “believe in those wing’d
purposes,” as Walt Whitman wrote in “Song of Myself” so long ago, “and
acknowledge red, yellow, white, playing within [us], and consider green
and violet, and the tufted crown intentional, and do not call the
tortoise unworthy because she is not something else…”
A former language-arts teacher, Diane Lang writes
fiction, nonfiction and screenplays. www.langbuchanan.com
